28 July 2025
So it has been a year since Marylou has passed and while it still seems surreal that she is no longer here with us on earth and not a phone call away, or sitting in her favorite chair waiting for a visit, I know she is at peace and with Him. I have had numerous conversations with her in my head over these past 12 months or so, and gratefully she has given me a few clear visuals of where she is and her pure happiness – the first sign most notably on my driving trip to Charleston last year in route to her funeral.
As her oldest sibling and sister, 👩🏼 I am finally getting around to reading thoroughly (sorry Jim) and sometimes rereading, Marylou’s book. She is right – she has an amazing talent and way with written words, and I smile as I read it -hearing her voice again, imagining her facial expressions, her humor, her laughter and feeling like I am having a conversation with her. Her book is a captivating journey through her life as she shares her childhood and family building blocks that shaped her and from which she emerged- into her adulthood and creation of her own family. My own role in this was the oldest child / older sister. Unfortunately, I was oblivious at the time of the impacts of my thoughts, actions and behaviors on my younger sister. We were 19months apart in age, and while this could have led to a very close sister/sibling relationship, somehow it caused more rivalry. It was only as we got older and had our own children and created our own families that the adult maturity and shared child rearing experiences and similarities became a bond between us. To be honest, the loss of my sister is also the loss of a close partner who shared my childhood memories. They are not necessarily the same memories and experiences for my other siblings, who are eight and 12 years younger. I also lived away from SC all of my adult life (Hawaii, Maryland, Oregon, New York), so my involvement in the hub of our family was always from a distance. The return visits home over the years were a compressed amount of time to reconnect, catch up, try to be “everything for everybody”, and always leaving feeling a bit battered- pulled between would have- could have – should haves. So in a way, we all have evolved from the same family, but with our own perspectives and experiences. My heart breaks for the burdens my sister carried and held close for much of her adult life. I tried intermittently over the years to share my concerns about her weight gain and diabetes and the long-term impacts. I feared for her. I truly believe her weight was a manifestation of the childhood burdens, and trauma, if you will, that she experienced. In hindsight, a different approach might have been easier for her to accept than my straightforward “you need to do this”; the fixer role I assumed in our family!
I also want to acknowledge Marylou’s role as the caregiver in the family for our aging parents, which is to be commended! It was a role she assumed with strength, devotion and endless love. I think not one of us appreciated the burden she carried, nor comprehended the emotional aftermath. She bore this complicated caregiver burden in silence as she struggled with compassion, frustrations, love and loss.
While I intended to read this memoir and have time to dissect it with her, we sadly did not have that opportunity as the published book copies reached her hands just days before she passed from this world – and so I am grateful for this chance to talk to her now: It’s like a long overdue phone call to be able to hear your voice again. I feel and share your lifetime of joys, your happiness, your love of those around you, especially for Jim and Serena, and it makes me realize what a blessing you were in our worlds and in your life to so many. But more than anything else, I wish that we could’ve had a conversation about your stories, your book, your wisdom, your perspectives and your passions. Hearing them helps me understand many things about you and your life, your very real struggles, and your faith so much better, and while we would not have agreed on some of the perspectives, I think we would have laughed and shared a lot more than we realized! As the oldest sibling, it is natural that I carry with me guilt and shame for not only realizing your pain and struggles sooner, but for not understanding and reaching out more effectively and with more generosity. I only wish we had had more time to grow and expand our relationship. And we needed more time for hugs!
You were a tough one and wore your armor well. Maybe too well! I wish I had made more efforts to penetrate it. It seems like time was always so limited. I like to think our phone conversations, especially while on the road to Dickinson, were slowly allowing you to emerge a bit from behind it?
We continue this earthly journey without you, sadly, but know that you are missed as an integral part of this family and from within the family you created. We are missing our fourth sibling- you left the party too soon! I am grateful for your written words and to “hear” your voice again- a precious gift. I hope that as you crafted your book you felt unburdened, lightened, and at peace.
With you in Peace,
Linda
